Category Archives: Uncategorized

Couch Surfing and Collecting Eyes

So, I’m currently watching the History Channel (because the History Channel is awesome) and there is a scientist that is fascinated with eyes.  This dude is so excited and fascinated with different animal’s eyes, that he collects them.  I think I’m highly disturbed.  Dr. Kirk is talking about their eyes like they are little decorations and he is a contestant on Project Runway.  Of course he’s got the lisp going too, so it makes it ten times better.  Why couldn’t science be this fun in high school and college?

The Nomadic Life is for me!

When the shit hits the fan, just move out and become a nomad.  That’s my philosophy.  I live at the bars and have befriended some very friendly Irish visitors that just get insane when drinking.  I think I’m tired, but I’m not sure.

One thing I find humorous is that one can file for bankruptcy if he or she screws up and purchases too much stuff.  For instance, if an idiot that only made $20,000 bought a house and a new car.  He could file for bankruptcy after not being able to pay off his bills.   However, if someone gets hurt or sick can’t pay their bills bankruptcy is not allowed.  What a joke. HAHAHAHAHA

Beer of choice tonight: RedHook!

Victoria’s Immense Secret

So I see lots of pink bags all over the place. Many of the girls carrying them- hot. Many of them well… bad mental images for this guy for the rest of the day…

Text Messages Explain the Night…

Vince to Me: Tim came back to my apartment shirtless and lost his phone.  Funny stuff.

Me to Tim: So I got a text from Vince saying you ran back to his place and lost your shirt and IPhone?

Tim to Me: I Wish I could say it wasn’t true, but I may have given them away to a homeless lady.

Me to Tim: HAHAHAHA!  What? Um… Why???

Tim to Me: Shirt for sure.  Phone I’m guessing because I’ve done it before…

Me to Tim:  I wish I could have seen her face when your drunk ass gave her all your shit!

Drunken Debauchery…

Why is it that whenever I go out with my friends it just becomes a giant clusterfuck? It’s pretty amusing actually. It seems like every time drama seems to follow… Well I know why actually, because we all just drink too much and become obnoxious and belligerent as hell. For some reason we normally just start kicking the crap out of each other and pulling really cruel pranks on each other.

So last night was fun but weird… I was sitting at the bar talking to the girl I came with while my friends were wasted and busy slapping each other and fighting over who won a game of over-priced drunken arcade golf. Yea how masculine- let’s slap each other. So after about 15 minutes two Irish guys come over and say we are “sitting in their seats and need to get up”. Umm… Seriously? I’ve never heard of such a thing in a crowded bar. If you get up and don’t leave your stuff there, tough luck. I just kind of ignored them but she recognized the situation was about to get ugly and was overly polite to them- to the point of being condescending.

So after a stupid fight was avoided over two seats with drunken Irishmen, we turned to several of my friends, one of whom is blasted out of his mind and the only one on the dance floor and while another is touching girls’ faces when he’s talking to them in a really loud voice.

We attended that bar because our friend was doing a beer promotion and she was hooking us up. She Introduced me to her boss who was telling me about her job and how to get into it and how she could help me and in the middle of this-shocking I know- one of my friends decides the glasses don’t need to be on the table he’s sitting at. So he pushes them all off and they crash all over the floor. Yea… And then he runs out… and that was that and so much for the job and the bouncers came over and everyone just looks at the fuck-ups. And I have to explain to the girls that my friends aren’t always this belligerent (which is a total lie haha).

Oh well it was fun.

The most racist commercial I’ve ever seen…

This the most hilariously faux-racist commercial I have ever seen.  I don’t think I have ever seen something that that makes fun of every ethnic group and even threatens violence against puppies and kittens before…  Weird and funny.  This guy clearly isn’t serious and has to be making fun of the stereotypes that exist in today’s culture.  Or I could be wrong.

Jason’s artwork makes me smile…

Not that I have problem smiling, but Jason’s sense of humor is just plain hilarious. I think the title is my favorite, “What do we need clean air for”. Every time I see this picture, I think of that Discovery Channel logging reality show where they just chop down thousands of trees in an episode and act so proud of themselves.

For more funnies, just check out: http://jasonde2.deviantart.com/gallery/

Quite possibly the most effective commercial I’ve ever seen…

So I came across this commercial on the internet the other day and I think it is quite possibly the most effective one I’ve seen in a long time. It sums up exactly why I don’t want to have little demon-children anyway… Not only because I don’t want to bring children into my disaster of a family gene-pool (although that would be an interesting experiment) but also because… why are we supposed to grow up and have children again?

Take a look:

Anybody agree? Why can’t more commercials be as effective as this one? If people had the balls to run this ad in the US there wouldn’t be as many little demon-children running around the malls and grocery stores opening toys from packages and throwing them on the ground and screaming like wild untamed animals. That’s because their parents would have seen the most EFFECTIVE commercial in the world.

If you ever want to be an asshole, feel great, and forget everything, just take Percocet!

So, I’ve been taking Percocet since my knee surgery and apparently I just haven’t been myself recently… I’ve just been a little nutty. My roommate has been basically playing “mother” for me and totally taking care of me and my friends are being awesome too and helping out but this stuff totally messing with me. It has turned me into an ungrateful jerk at times and makes me forget things that happen hours before. It’s truly wonderful…

I guess we could go back to my “Truman Show” post because that’s what it really feels like. For some reason I thought I could outrun some of my friends on crutches through the neighborhood the other night. Yea, good times good times…

“Slicing Day” Shall Commence!

On 4/20 I blew out my knee while playing soccer on astro-turf.  I can honestly say it was an amazing experience because it made me realize a lot of things.  Patience, for one…  And more importantly, who my true friends are…

So at 10:15am tomorrow morning I will have my knee chopped open and have my ACL replaced with a cadaver’s Achilles tendon.  I can’t wait.

And on a less serious note, my roommate is discussing how he is fighting with the “Prince of Vampires” in his LARP group.  That makes me laugh.  Good times good times…

Comcast is taking over the world

So I am thoroughly convinced that Comcast is taking over the world.  Every time I turn on the TV I see a commercial dissing another internet provider about twice during commercial breaks.  Maybe that is why my bill is so high…  They are spending all their money on commercials about a family of turtles named the “Slowsky’s”- jacking up my internet and phone price through the roof.  Good times good times.

So my internet was down for the past four days which made me laugh.  But I still had Comcast commercials of the Slowsky’s resonating through my head…  Oh and don’t forget the other commercial with the fake newsman bashing AT&T’s high speed internet service.  I was thinking about that one too while I was unable to use my Comcast high speed internet and home phone service (which interestingly enough seems to creep up in price every month)…

The Physical Therapy Move-Maker

So I’m going to physical therapy for my knee and there are about 20 other people in there at the same time with similar injuries getting treatment and using the machines. People will share their war stories about how they got injured and where they are in the process of recovery; basic stuff.

But this one dude cracks me up. He reminds me of the main character of the Thundercats cartoon, Lion-O. Except a little over-weight. He’s got the bright red hair and the weird curly fro thing going on. He’s also about 6′3 and so un-athletic it’s funny (which is hilarious because he always talks about how many sports he plays). So I always see him hitting on all the girls there, which is funny. He clearly watched the MTV show, The Pickup Artist, because he constantly uses the same lines and tries to appear “non-threatening” and “adds value”. Though I have to admit it is pretty hard to appear non-threatening when you approach a girl with huge cordless headphones on your head. I just look at the situation and shake my head and think, “what a disaster”.

So many people may be wondering what takes place in these ever so hot physical therapy conversations? Well, one time he noticed this really hot girl had an Australian accent, so of course “Lion-O made his move (with his giant Luke Skywalker cordless headphones of course). He said something to the extent of, “oh I noticed your accent. What part of Australia are you from? My girlfriend is from Australia”. I guess this is his way of appearing “non-threatening” that he learned from The Pickup Artist. I totally wanted to interupt and say, “yea, dude don’t kid yourself, you don’t have an Australian girlfriend.” But I didn’t. I let the disaster carry on. Of course it ended up with the physical therapist telling him to get back to his machine and his workout (and in my mind I’m sure she was saying, “we all know you don’t have an Australian girlfriend!”).

But this is only one of the many moves that Mr. Lion-O has made during my time there, and I anxiously anticipate more. In fact I plan on interrupting one of the conversations and just talking about some random non-existent French girlfriend I have just so he knows how stupid he sounds. The end.

Smelly Body Wash

So I recently purchased the new Adidas body wash when I was at Walgreen’s because they were having a “buy one, get one” sale (and I can never resist a deal). So yesterday I was in the shower and washing myself and I noticed that the scent from the bottle smelled rather strange… Hmmm… Not like the normal Old Spice Body Wash I’m used to…

When I was finally out the door and on my way to the bus stop for work I kept smelling a strange odor and couldn’t figure out which piece of clothing it was clothing it was from. Nope, not my polo shirt… Nope, not my backpack… I then smelled my hands and arms and it was totally the body wash… I smelled like the inside of my smelly soccer bag crossed with dog urine. It was hot. Grreeaat… Off to work smelling like dog urine!

I think I’m on the Truman Show…

Everything keeps repeating and it would make for a hilarious TV show/movie.  And in fact it already has been made into one. Seems a bit scripted and just plain odd.   Just watch the movie, The Truman Show and you’ll understand haha…  What a cruel joke that would be to play on somebody… Even so, I would totally give it up to whoever pulled that off.  Why can’t I be on something more fun, like Anchorman or SPICE WORLD Swiss Family Robinson?

Jason Delivers Richard Simmons Cartoon…

On the day I asked him to draw my dream, the incredible Jason was able to “work” diligently at his job and

whip me up a nice cartoon of my previous post below… Apparently that’s exactly what I look like…

Jason’s the man! Check out the rest of his stuff: http://jasonde2.deviantart.com/

Dreaming of Richard Simmons working for Quixtar/Amway

So I think I am seeing possible side-effects of taking pain-killers for my knee… I had a nightmare last night that possibly combined the two most obnoxious things in life- Richard Simmons and Quixtar/Amway. For those of you aren’t familiar with Quixtar, it’s the pyramid scheme-type company that has representatives approach expecting people in social settings and be overly nice to them and motivate them to work for themselves. They’ll say something like, don’t you want to “work for yourself and not work 9-5?” Then they may offer the person some off-brand energy drink, yet call it a “Red Bull”. Then they will tell you that “you really have drive”, or something to that affect. It’s rather patronizing, but it’s interesting to see how many people eat it up. They want you to sign up and sell stuff because then they get a percentage of what you sell and then a percentage of the people you sign up and so on.

Anyway, in my dream Richard Simmons was one of these “Quixtarians” and he was in his usual Jazzersize garb which was just plain disturbing. He offered me cupcakes instead of “Red Bull” and then I woke up. Weird… Now that I think of it though, I think I would be more likely to sign up for something I didn’t believe in if Richard Simmons were the one approaching me rather than someone just pretending to be my friend.

So what I have been thinking is that I can my friend Jason who does the most awesome drawings on MS Paint (while at work) recreate my dream. Everyone needs to check out his hilarious artwork! I think it bodes well with the task at hand…

Checkout the link to Jason’s artwork or click on my blog roll down at the bottom: http://jasonde2.deviantart.com/

STRAIGHT TALK EXPRESS! YEHAW!

Uhh… So today I saw John McCain’s new presidential ad touting his environmental record… Wow… What a joke. On the same day he released his new commercial (which tries to distance him from President Bush on the environment ironically) he proposed to lift the ban on offshore drilling for oil. Interesting… He claims it’s because the price of gas is so high. But wouldn’t drilling for oil to lower the price defeat the whole purpose of searching for alternative sources of energy? I think it’s hilarious how he claims that it’s important to search for alternative energy, but then opposes the farmers in Iowa growing soy and corn-based ethanol. This man’s “Straight Talk Express” confuses me… I think he really is “losing his bearings.”

Oh and by the way, according to CNN it will take over 10 years to finish the process of setting oil rigs, pumps and refineries and 30 years to see a difference in gas prices. It would be lovely to have another Alaskan oil spill (which EXXON still hasn’t cleaned up). This is just a ploy to get elected and was just supported by President Bush. So let me get this straight? Your commercial claims you “Go against the president when it comes to the environment”, and on the same day you propose and idea for some of your’s and Bush’s biggest donors (oil companies) to start drilling off the coast, totally disregarding the environment. Oh yea, and you aren’t telling people that they won’t even see any of the benefits for three decades… I get it… HOLD ON I DON’T GET IT! AWHILE AGO YOU WERE VEHEMENTLY AGAINST OFFSHORE DRILLING!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=r2v8cuQTVO8&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEtZlR3zp4c&NR=1

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan annoys me. And now her family has a show. The world is officially coming to an end. That is all.

The Sex and the City Game

The Sex and The City Game

So anybody who knows anything about me knows that I really detest the show (and now the movie) Sex and the City. I think 90% of my antipathy for the show stems from Sarah Jessica Parker and her face being everywhere I look (and not being remotely attractive). I turn on the TV and it/she is there. I turn on my radio and I hear it’s/her highfalutin laugh as she interviews about her new movie. I go to yahoo and see pictures of the premier with her wearing some huge hat to get attention. But I digress…

So I decided if I’m going to be constantly inundated with Horse-Face’s pretentiousness for the next six months, why not turn a negative into a positive? I decided to create a game out of all her wonderful popularity. It’s simple really and has been catching on with several of my male friends. Below is the list of materials needed to play:

-1 April 10th Issue of Entertainment Weekly

-Basic coloring skills

-Stop watch

-Blue or black pen

Rules: In this issue of Entertainment Weekly there are 91 pictures of SJP (I counted) and players are given 5 minutes to color in as many as possible without going outside the lines of the face. For each full face you get 5 HORSE points. If you go outside the lines of the face you lose 2 HORSE points.

FAQs:

Is that it? Well, of course there could be points given for creativity, sure. For instance, my one friend showed me a picture that he drew (inside the lines, of course) with a caption saying, “Hello, I’m the Ghost of John Lennon’s Horse.” It was quite disturbing, yet funny and took longer than the typical than the normal just coloring in the Horse-Face so I gave him good solid 10 pointer for that one.

Where can I play? The most popular place to play at the moment right now seems to be on the potty but that could change and the Sex and the City Game could come to a dinner table near you!

How much is it? Don’t be silly! It’s free. Just pay for the materials and play away!