Couch Surfing and Collecting Eyes

So, I’m currently watching the History Channel (because the History Channel is awesome) and there is a scientist that is fascinated with eyes.  This dude is so excited and fascinated with different animal’s eyes, that he collects them.  I think I’m highly disturbed.  Dr. Kirk is talking about their eyes like they are little decorations and he is a contestant on Project Runway.  Of course he’s got the lisp going too, so it makes it ten times better.  Why couldn’t science be this fun in high school and college?

The Nomadic Life is for me!

When the shit hits the fan, just move out and become a nomad.  That’s my philosophy.  I live at the bars and have befriended some very friendly Irish visitors that just get insane when drinking.  I think I’m tired, but I’m not sure.

One thing I find humorous is that one can file for bankruptcy if he or she screws up and purchases too much stuff.  For instance, if an idiot that only made $20,000 bought a house and a new car.  He could file for bankruptcy after not being able to pay off his bills.   However, if someone gets hurt or sick can’t pay their bills bankruptcy is not allowed.  What a joke. HAHAHAHAHA

Beer of choice tonight: RedHook!

Victoria’s Immense Secret

So I see lots of pink bags all over the place. Many of the girls carrying them- hot. Many of them well… bad mental images for this guy for the rest of the day…

Text Messages Explain the Night…

Vince to Me: Tim came back to my apartment shirtless and lost his phone.  Funny stuff.

Me to Tim: So I got a text from Vince saying you ran back to his place and lost your shirt and IPhone?

Tim to Me: I Wish I could say it wasn’t true, but I may have given them away to a homeless lady.

Me to Tim: HAHAHAHA!  What? Um… Why???

Tim to Me: Shirt for sure.  Phone I’m guessing because I’ve done it before…

Me to Tim:  I wish I could have seen her face when your drunk ass gave her all your shit!

Drunken Debauchery…

Why is it that whenever I go out with my friends it just becomes a giant clusterfuck? It’s pretty amusing actually. It seems like every time drama seems to follow… Well I know why actually, because we all just drink too much and become obnoxious and belligerent as hell. For some reason we normally just start kicking the crap out of each other and pulling really cruel pranks on each other.

So last night was fun but weird… I was sitting at the bar talking to the girl I came with while my friends were wasted and busy slapping each other and fighting over who won a game of over-priced drunken arcade golf. Yea how masculine- let’s slap each other. So after about 15 minutes two Irish guys come over and say we are “sitting in their seats and need to get up”. Umm… Seriously? I’ve never heard of such a thing in a crowded bar. If you get up and don’t leave your stuff there, tough luck. I just kind of ignored them but she recognized the situation was about to get ugly and was overly polite to them- to the point of being condescending.

So after a stupid fight was avoided over two seats with drunken Irishmen, we turned to several of my friends, one of whom is blasted out of his mind and the only one on the dance floor and while another is touching girls’ faces when he’s talking to them in a really loud voice.

We attended that bar because our friend was doing a beer promotion and she was hooking us up. She Introduced me to her boss who was telling me about her job and how to get into it and how she could help me and in the middle of this-shocking I know- one of my friends decides the glasses don’t need to be on the table he’s sitting at. So he pushes them all off and they crash all over the floor. Yea… And then he runs out… and that was that and so much for the job and the bouncers came over and everyone just looks at the fuck-ups. And I have to explain to the girls that my friends aren’t always this belligerent (which is a total lie haha).

Oh well it was fun.

The most racist commercial I’ve ever seen…

This the most hilariously faux-racist commercial I have ever seen.  I don’t think I have ever seen something that that makes fun of every ethnic group and even threatens violence against puppies and kittens before…  Weird and funny.  This guy clearly isn’t serious and has to be making fun of the stereotypes that exist in today’s culture.  Or I could be wrong.

My Spam. My Spams. My Lovely Lady Spams.

I’ve become very confused lately (in more ways than one). Apparently over the last few years I haven’t been “pleasing my lover in the bedroom up to my potential”- well according to my spam email that is. My “spam” folder of my inbox would be filled with these hilarious emails from companies and people from all over the world selling bogus products and not even spelling things correctly in the title. It really grabbed my attention and added credibility, making me want to buy, buy, buy!

But if I had to pick just one, how would I do it? Would I do it by finding the most poorly spelled email directed to me? I think that must be the best way. I shall try to respond to several of them and see if I can make a foreign pen-pal and see what kind of deranged poorly – spelled emails I will receive from the other.

Here’s one reason why I have become so confused as of late, apparently most of these spammers have decided that I no-longer need Viagra, but a “new wrist watch”. This is so random to me. One because, I haven’t worn a watch since, I dunno, maybe third grade. And two, HOW DO YOU SWITCH FROM VIAGRA TO ROLEXES? Below I copied and pasted just one of my emails from a “Ricky Walters”. It makes me laugh.

Ricky Walters <teuquom@hotmail.com> to xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx date subject [SPAM:99%] ROLEX at unbelievable prices! ntsv yvnl hck

hide details Jul 5 (4 days ago)

Reply

Choose to itself that to you interestingly or make a gift!

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THE NAME	TO nh TAL PR jqi IC swd E
R gfd ol gc ex D uod ate dzx jus ev ts	$229
A dzl Lan oqd ge S fej oh pxg ne	$229
Bv xht lga jn ri	$229
G tn uc ld ci	$220
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Jason’s artwork makes me smile…

Not that I have problem smiling, but Jason’s sense of humor is just plain hilarious. I think the title is my favorite, “What do we need clean air for”. Every time I see this picture, I think of that Discovery Channel logging reality show where they just chop down thousands of trees in an episode and act so proud of themselves.

For more funnies, just check out: http://jasonde2.deviantart.com/gallery/

Quite possibly the most effective commercial I’ve ever seen…

So I came across this commercial on the internet the other day and I think it is quite possibly the most effective one I’ve seen in a long time. It sums up exactly why I don’t want to have little demon-children anyway… Not only because I don’t want to bring children into my disaster of a family gene-pool (although that would be an interesting experiment) but also because… why are we supposed to grow up and have children again?

Take a look:

Anybody agree? Why can’t more commercials be as effective as this one? If people had the balls to run this ad in the US there wouldn’t be as many little demon-children running around the malls and grocery stores opening toys from packages and throwing them on the ground and screaming like wild untamed animals. That’s because their parents would have seen the most EFFECTIVE commercial in the world.

If you ever want to be an asshole, feel great, and forget everything, just take Percocet!

So, I’ve been taking Percocet since my knee surgery and apparently I just haven’t been myself recently… I’ve just been a little nutty. My roommate has been basically playing “mother” for me and totally taking care of me and my friends are being awesome too and helping out but this stuff totally messing with me. It has turned me into an ungrateful jerk at times and makes me forget things that happen hours before. It’s truly wonderful…

I guess we could go back to my “Truman Show” post because that’s what it really feels like. For some reason I thought I could outrun some of my friends on crutches through the neighborhood the other night. Yea, good times good times…

“Slicing Day” Shall Commence!

On 4/20 I blew out my knee while playing soccer on astro-turf.  I can honestly say it was an amazing experience because it made me realize a lot of things.  Patience, for one…  And more importantly, who my true friends are…

So at 10:15am tomorrow morning I will have my knee chopped open and have my ACL replaced with a cadaver’s Achilles tendon.  I can’t wait.

And on a less serious note, my roommate is discussing how he is fighting with the “Prince of Vampires” in his LARP group.  That makes me laugh.  Good times good times…

Comcast is taking over the world

So I am thoroughly convinced that Comcast is taking over the world.  Every time I turn on the TV I see a commercial dissing another internet provider about twice during commercial breaks.  Maybe that is why my bill is so high…  They are spending all their money on commercials about a family of turtles named the “Slowsky’s”- jacking up my internet and phone price through the roof.  Good times good times.

So my internet was down for the past four days which made me laugh.  But I still had Comcast commercials of the Slowsky’s resonating through my head…  Oh and don’t forget the other commercial with the fake newsman bashing AT&T’s high speed internet service.  I was thinking about that one too while I was unable to use my Comcast high speed internet and home phone service (which interestingly enough seems to creep up in price every month)…